Razzle Dazzle 'em!
by Flying-Elwing
Summary: SPAM the Society for the Prevention of Appalling Mary Sues. Join the newly abducted leader of SPAM in a whirlwind adventure through the works of tv, film and literature, all with our fabby LOTR characters! Razzle Dazzle 'em and you've got a romance!
1. The Board is Set

Chapter One- The Board Is Set

Authors note: This fic is meant to be a humorous thing, ie; not to be taken seriously. I am not personally attacking any writers of Mary-Sues (whether ye be good or bad) or trying to make them stop writing Mary-Sues. Personally, I think that MS fics can be amazing, if you make them right! So keep writing! Have an insanely beautiful, modern girl snog every elf in Middle Earth and some Rangers on the side if you feel like it! Just take a few moments, sit back, and try to revel in the hilarious-ness of Ellanora's situation… : )

Warning: Sue-lovers, proceed with caution, as the following may be hazardous to your health. Enjoy!

/Fanfare of Gondorian trumpeters/ Announcer: Ahem. The conniving authoress, bearing the sacred disclaimer!

Flying-Elwing: Thank you! Okay people, here it is- I own Ellanora (plus the other non-Tolkien-esque characters I guess), and my box of Cheez-its. Tolkien and Co. own the rest. Got that? Excellent. Commencing story…

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"I do solemnly take this privileged oath on the day of February twenty-third: to uphold the values of good writing and proper-ish grammar at all possible times, to do all in my power to prevent the abuses of fanfiction writing, to always facilitate the destruction and incapacitation of all those deemed by the said Order as unfit to procure said writings, and to serve in my position as the executive of the Most Honourable Order of S.P.A.M. to the best of my ability: a position that many deem necessary, but few have the courage to uphold, with liberty and swift justice for all."

"Ellanora Drake, I accept your pledge of fealty and do herby bequeath to you the office of Executive Director for the Most Honourable Order of S.P.A.M. May you serve respectably and well." Emilie handed me the pink file folder, my bright pink laptop computer, and the cupcake. And that was it. I was the Exec. The head honcho. The supreme ruler of the entire world!

Okay, maybe not that last one.

"I'm glad that's over with." I sighed with a grin, setting down my folder and computer onto one of the cardboard boxes in my family's house and pulling up a patch of floor next to my friends, Emilie, Alex, Clark, Ryan, and Bella. It was the humorous meeting of the group me and my friends had formed over the winter break out of sheer boredom, the Society for the Prevention of Appalling Mary-Sues, or the Order of S.P.A.M as we called it. Our mission tends to be pretty self explanatory from the title: destroy, forcibly abdicate, and prevent all writings of all the really bad Mary-Sue Tolkien fanfics we find on the internet. A VERY amusing pursuit for free time.

"Me too," Emilie said, helping herself to one of the cupcakes from the plastic tray sitting in the middle of us on the floor, because my parents had moved all the tables out of the house earlier in the day. "I can leave for the new school in peace."

"You mean the new freakin' country, Em." Alex said, rolling his eyes. Emilie is British. She says that it is weird to hear me say things like 'snog' or 'minging', because it sounds hilarious with my "horribly American" accent.

"Its sad though," I managed to say as I scarfed the frosting off of my treat. "I'm moving to the new house tomorrow, and Emilie's going back to British-land."

"Sad but true. Shit happens." That would be from Ryan. Painfully direct as always. "But at least we have Ellie to keep a hold on things."

"I guess so," I said sarcastically, shoving him into the box labeled 'kitchen stuff.'

"I know so." He said, smirking. "She's better do a good job, for all she's practically a Sue herself."

"How dare you insult me, infidel!" I shot at him, pretending to be hurt. "You have wounded my pride with your words that are as painful as orc arrows. Besides, it's not my fault that my parents named me without first reading Lord of the Rings—"

"And you are insanely pretty and can sing—" Urgh. I'll never hear the end of it now. Shut up, Clark!

I snorted. Yes, snorted. "NOT! Flattery does nothing for me, jerkwad."

"And you think Orlando Bloom is hot—" Shut up, Bella! Now I could tell my face was turning red. I blush too damn easily.

"So what? You do too, Belle!"

"And you have tried archery _and_ fencing—" That comment was courtesy of Emilie.

"The term is _bow hunting_, actually, and I was so bad I never shot anything, and the fencing was a Park District joke I was _forced_ into—"

"So you basically fill all the necessary criteria, according to our latest case."

I mimed puking into my water glass. "Don't even get me started, Belle. The authoress of 'The Forgotten Magical Princess of Rivendell' should be maimed by a fell beast for abusing Tolkien's lifetime works that badly."

"But you missed Leggys1LuvaGurl069's latest update," Alex said with faked mortification, pulling a dramatic pose.

"Oh gosh, please fill me in." Emilie said scathingly.

"She had her character Arálôndië and Legolas have a romantic sex frolic in Galadriel's mirror garden."

"No! That is _disgusting_!"

"_Gag_ me with a _spoon_!" I yelled.

"_Es verdad, mi amiga._" Alex sighed. Emilie looked like she might faint.

"Don't worry, Em." I said, taking the pink file folder and opening it and hoping our former executive wasn't about to have a spaz attack. "According to this latest printout from the site she's polluting—er—_posting_ on, this is only her third chapter."

"She's taking her time on the romance part of it then," Ryan commented dryly.

"Damn straight," I muttered, after the wave of chuckles and eye rolls had passed through our group. "Anyway, this is chapter three for her, so I think that if you give me a few more weeks, or if I put someone in charge of the annihilation process under a new login name, we should have this Sue-maker destroyed faster than the One Ring in the Cracks of Doom on a hot July day."

"That's one way of putting it, Ellie." Clark said with a yawn and a stretch. He glanced at his watch and bawked. "I'm going to have to leave soon; it's almost twelve in the morning."

"Yeah, well, the Extended Version of Return of the King takes a bit longer to watch," I said. "Good thing its Friday, isn't it?"

There were consensual murmurs. Unfortunately, my Jack Russell Terrier chose the comfortable silence as a time to charge from the basement and wage an ambush on our cupcake tray left on the ground.

Several loud screeches (by Alex, what a surprise), barks (from Alex too, haha, no just kidding), snarls, and swearwords later, our cupcakes had been mauled beyond edibility and everyone had thankfully decided that it was time for my initiation party to come to a close.

"Thanks so much for coming, peeps," I said, letting Clark help me up from the ground so I could hug everybody and send them on their merry little ways. I pulled open my front door, shivering in my ankle socks and badminton shorts. "Anybody have plans for tomorrow? I could call or instant Message someone so we all could get breakfast in town or find some more Mary-Sues online. But after I've driven all my stuff over to the new house at five in the morning, of course."

"How about you try both?" Bella said, grabbing her scarf and walking out to her car so she could drive the others home. Bella is soooo lucky. She got her license before any of us (I've had mine for a couple months, being only sixteen) and she can drive as many people as her Lexus SUV can hold.

"Sounds great." I said, doing a retarded kind of jig-on-the-spot to prevent my toes from freezing to my front porch in the only snow free spot. "I'll be awake till one or later, trying to crack down on our new Sue or reading. Cell me if you wanna."

"Bye, Ellie, thanks for the food!" Everyone chorused.

"No problemo. Until the Members of S.P.A.M unite again, _namarië_!" I said with a grin and chattering teeth. Shorts and a t-shirt are not exactly suitable winter wear, but heck, all my other clothes are in my suitcases in my room. So I had to deal with it.

"See ya 'round, Sue. And good luck with the moving." Alex said with a wink. I rolled my eyes, kicked him off of my doorstep, and dashed back into the house.

_My lovely idiotic friends ._I thought, watching them drive away. I sighed and turned off the living room lights, put my little dog in her crate for the night, then crept back to my room.

An hour and a half of listening to my iPod speakers and sending some contemptuous comments to the Mary-Sues on my computer, I decided to crash. I plugged my electronics back into their outlets to re-charge for the night, set the alarm for four thirty, and made sure that my entire wardrobe was safely in my suitcases, stacked neatly by the bedroom door.

Mary-Sues were still on my mind as I went into my bathroom to brush my teeth. _Could I really be like a Sue?_ I thought with a shudder as I fished around my toiletry pouches for my toothbrush. _I hope not…_

But it was partially true, I had to admit. I _had_ tried to learn archery and fencing, (though mostly as jokes) and I couldn't deny it. Not that I enjoyed trying to learn war craft… I sucked at archery, plain and simple, plus I was afraid to hit someone with my saber. I shook my head disgustedly and put the toothpaste on the brush.

_I don't _think_ I am that pretty, _I mused as I swished the bristles around my teeth. Clark was probably just being weird…but that's usual for him. I laughed in spite of myself and almost snorted my toothpaste.

_Well, I guess I look okay with makeup, I'm not fugly or a hag or anything. _I inspected my face in the mirror. I have dark brown hair that falls about four inches past my shoulders, with lots of layers and subtle side bangs. I think my lips can get pouchy and chapped easily, and my nose annoys me with its stupid freckles. But for someone who tans a bit during the winter, I could have it a lot worse and be orange like some of the girls at school, I guess. My eyes are all mine. Sparkly and hazel; I really like them. And they turn bright green when I cry. I've got a sort of thin, but athletic build thanks to playing badminton obsessively and doing sit-ups. I'm not too tall, but I'm not short. I don't know if I'm pretty or not. But I at least have enough self esteem to say I don't think I'm _that_ ugly.

Orlando. Yes, he's hot. And so is Craig. And my lab partner for Biology and the guy I met at the pool in southern Florida, now that I think about it…

"I hardly think that being happy with myself qualifies me to be a Mary-Sue," I thought out loud, then yawned hugely. I found a pair of pajama pants and pulled them on over my shorts, then plunked down on my mattress to snooze.

"I don't think I'm proper Mary-Sue material at all…"


	2. The Pieces Are Moving

Chapter Two

Author's Note: First to all my beloved reviewers: I AM SOOOO SORRY! I have been without internet access for six horrible months (as my appalling chapter updates should suggest) and I feel awful for neglecting you all! I wish to personally thank each one of you: FoxLuvr, Squashes, and Nyeren. You are my heroes!

So here is the long put off chapter in all its (er) glory (I wish).

Disclaimer: I, Elwing, own nothing except Ellanora and the members of S.P.A.M. This does not include any other characters, though perhaps a portion of Bishop Smith, whom we shall all have the pleasure of meeting someday. ; )

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Chapter Two: The Pieces are Moving (At a Rather Alarming Rate)

I woke up at the incessant bleeping of my damn alarm clock.

I groaned and glanced at it, then snuggled back down in my blankets.

"Ellanora Rose Drake!" Oh _merde_. Middle Name. Mom was screeching for me.

"I'm awake! Stop yelling like a fell beast!" I muttered, then rolled off my mattress as she burst in the door.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" She yelled. "Four thirty! You need to be at the house by five! Up and at 'em!" Bang. The door closed.

I shivered as I plugged in my hair straightener and washed my face. I was really out of it; I burned myself on the forehead and got soap in my eye, which turned all red and teary. I stuffed my laptop computer, iPod and speakers, Pirates of the Caribbean DVDs, random stuff like chapstick and lip gloss and bronzer and my toiletries and Lord of the Rings DVDs into my big Juicy Couture carry all; aka my favorite bag in the world. I changed into my comfy black sweatpants, pink shirt, and grey American Eagle hoodie and hauled all my stuff out to my beloved car, stuffing a bagel down as I went, and dragging my huge rolley suitcase filled with my clothes, and the other smaller rolley suitcase with my other… stuffs. I clicked the remote on my key chain and opened my car.

I really loved that car. It was a midnight blue Mustang Convertible, with profile tires and chrome caps. My pride and joy. I had blown all my savings on the down payment. But it was totally worth it.

I was still half asleep when I put the keys in the ignition and turned the heat on full blast. I then threw my suitcases into the back seat (the trunk being occupied with most of my other worldly possessions aside from furniture) and slid the RotK soundtrack into the CD player. I relaxed a bit and shifted to reverse. Then I rolled down the window on my car door, rolling my eyes at my mother who was waving at me through the window of the house. Cor. Parents.

Mom ran out of the door and handed me a thermos full of hot tea. "Something for the road," she said in an annoyingly mom-ish way. "Be careful. It snowed again last night, and the roads going to the house are very icy. And its dark out still. I should be there about five thirty. Drive safe, Ellanora."

"Its ELLIE." I muttered as she kissed my head. "Bye, maj." I rolled up my window and backed out, happy to cruise along to the music and the darkness.

One of the first things I noticed about that morning was that it was uncannily foggy, and there were no other cars on the road. Visibility was less than a quarter of a mile, and I even had to get out of my car to check a signpost, since I couldn't see it. Satisfied that I was going in the right direction, I climbed back into my toasty car and continued my drive.

The house was on the other side of a forest preserve, about five miles on the west side of town. I had to drive through the preserve to reach the house. When I saw the tall shapes of trees through the mist, what I also saw made me stop dead in my tracks, and I braked so hard my car skidded on the ice on the road.

The forest seemed to be the source of all the fog. It swirled out from between the trees, creeping through the snow covered bracken and reaching white, opaque tendrils hungrily towards my car. It seemed like the fog had a mind of its own. I felt myself becoming sleepy just watching it. It beckoned its curling fingers, stirring without a breeze and calling my mind coldly to the wood with a deadly whisper.

_Will you come, Ellanora?_ It asked me. _Will you come? _

"I'm coming," I said aloud. Then I shook myself. Who was I coming to? The fog still shifted uneasily, billowing around my car. This was definitely not normal.

"What the hell _is_ this stuff?" I asked my thermos. Then I blinked. "First sign of madness, talking to a cup of tea," I said to myself reproachfully.

Then all of a sudden, I was filled with a terrible desire to turn back around and drive away as fast as I could. I ignored it as best I could, but my heart was still saying, _something is wrong. This fog is wrong. Go back and get away from here._

"Screw this," I muttered. Then I floored it, going straight into the heart of the fog.

I had conveniently decided to drive quite quickly, er, make that very fast. Seventy five miles per hour I think the speedometer said when I glanced at it. Now remember, it was very foggy, and still almost dark out. So, naturally, I didn't see that the road curved sharply to the left. Oopsie.

I also didn't see the tree I wrapped my car around.

I thought my car had exploded or something. My airbags certainly did, anyway. But you know that whole thing that they teach you in physics that says "objects in motion tend to stay in motion unless stopped by an outside force and object that are not in motion tend to stay still" that Newton made up? Well, curse him, he was right. My body happened to be the object that remained in motion (at sevenety five miles per hour, mind you) and my car happened to be the object that had not. Luckily, my seatbelt was the outside force that stopped me from shooting through the windshield. My tea was not so lucky, and flew through the windshield instead. I felt some ribs break, and my nose started to bleed from smacking the air bag. I think I may have dislocated my shoulder as well.

"Oof," I muttered, seeing black spots. "That hurt."

The last thing I remember seeing was that there was a warm mist swirling around in my car, white and opaque, like the fog had been.

I felt like I was floating. And then I felt nothing at all.

--------

A sound was humming inside my head. A voice.

"Confirm relocation?" It queried. It was cold, quipped. Metallic. Or artificial.

"Accept. Compensate physical impulses of P-41R, P-3L, P-12HN5." A reply.

"Reset visuals?"

"Affirmative."

"Surrounding program reaction status?"

"A-S3-C-0-ME."

"Tracking device battery implant?"

"Affirmative. Source I77P83-O2-D43, non depletable battery content. Compensate original programming."

"Copy all files?"

"Accept. Disks and available chip encryption. Commence relocation."

Then suddenly I heard nothing at all, almost like my brain had stopped receiving messages from my ears. Then the pain came back, almost worse than before. I felt cold again, and could see the swirling white mists, though they were less opaque and damp.

"Relocation complete. Status monitoring?"

"Unnecessary. 10-4. Disconnecting."

The voices were completely gone, like someone had disconnected a phone cord in the middle of a conversation. I didn't know why, but something made me feel like the voices weren't from people. The thought was driven out of my mind as I tried to breath, and my chest tightened uncomfortably. Broken ribs. I remembered.

I blinked. Through the fog and wreckage of my car, I could dimly see that I was most definitely screwed thrice over unless I got help or out of my car. For one thing, I was trapped between the steering wheel and my seat when the hood of my car folded like tinfoil upon impact. I struggled with numb fingers to unbuckle my seatbelt, clumsily left handed. I almost fainted. I also had the peculiar sensation that I was no longer where I had been before. It was coupled with a feeling I had only felt once before, when I saw a tornado sweeping across a cornfield in Idaho. The knowledge of something I could not control or escape. Fear.

Free from the belt, I gingerly turned around in my seat and then kicked the driver side door open. I staggered out, clutching my useless arm and trying not to puncture my lungs by moving as little as possible. I thought I heard a voice in behind me and spun around, and was momentarily blinded with pain as my ribs creaked. I couldn't take it any longer.

I limped to a tree and leaned my back against it. Its cool, smooth bark was oddly comforting. But my ribs hurt. My knees gave out and I sank down, until I was sitting curled at the base of the tree, crying and afraid. My breath swirled in the cold air. Breathing was an effort. I tucked my hands into my jacket sleeves and sobbed.

"Why me?" I asked the silent forest. "Why am I alone now?" My lip trembled.

"Why did you leave me here?" I cried, hot burning tears streaming down my cheeks. I don't even know why I said that, or why I was yelling at no one. I just sobbed some more, feeling utterly hopeless, for time out of mind.

I knew that the cold was slowly overcoming me. No person could survive long without heat in the middle of the woods. I had been sitting still for almost hours, in too much pain to move. Drowsiness crept on me, as I kept crying.

Suddenly I felt something warm against my face. Brushing against my cheek. A hand. Not mine.

"Stay with me, little one," a deep voice whispered. Wise, I thought. The voice sounds very wise.

"I can't," I slurred tiredly, trying to push who ever was there away. My vision was going; it was already blurry and vague.

"You must," The person replied gently. A large hand cradled my head as it drooped, and another supported my shoulder. I smelled pine, and spices.

"You cannot let go, not now," A man was talking to me, I noted. My brain seemed a bit slower than usual. "You need to leave here. Stay with me," he added as I nodded forward.

I chanced to blink. I saw a man with long, dark hair, pulled away from his face in a sort of half plait, kneeling beside me in the snow. His was unusual; neither young nor old, but like he had seen lots of life, and death. Wise, I noticed. He wore richly colored clothes, almost like robes, and black boots. He had grey blue eyes, and was kindly keeping me from falling down. Something was fatherly about him. He had a gold ring with a blue stone on his finger.

"I hurt," I muttered, my shoulders drooping. I leaned forward and fell against his chest. The fabric of his shirt was soft and warm, and he stroked my hair. "I'm tired." I wheezed, fighting for air.

"I know," he said gently. He cupped my face in his hands and looked at me. I felt like he could see into my soul, and the ring he wore shone brightly to my eyes. "I see that you have suffered much. Promise me," he said, as my eyes closed, "you will not fade."

I couldn't reply. I didn't care any more.

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A/N- Phew! Ellanora has been having a really bad day! Should I feel guilty?

**Pauses in thought over keyboard**

Nah.

Next chappie will come as soon as I can make it!


	3. The Three Ring Circus

A/N: I hope I am not inconveniencing anyone by putting an Author's Note before a chapter… I know it can sometimes annoy me, but I feel obligated to do so. Here is my first chapter after a painful vacation from my beloved fic. I believe you have noticed the title has changed- although I still need to go through and change some stuff concerning the title in my 2 (pitiful) previous chapters. So here it is. I hope you've not grown too voracious in my absence, dear reviewers…

PS: Since I take it anyone who is reading this has read enough disclaimers to buy all the tea in China, let this little postscript serve as the disclaimer. I own nothing except Ellanora, Bishop Smith's cassock. Tolkien owns the rest, yada yada Zzzzzzzzz. Sorry. Disclaimers put me to sleep. Isn't one enough? I mean, honestly, do you _honestly_ think that I make money off of this? Heck no. Not that I could make any money. Any one who employed me to write this would fire me, since my appalling-ness at updating within a year is rearing its ugly head….

PSS: And by the way, Ellanora is quite foul-mouthed this chapter. Should I get some soap?

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Chapter Three- The Three Ring Circus

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I woke up. Need I say more? I was warm, and very comfy, lying down somewhere. I heard someone talking at my bedside—hey! How do I know I'm in a bed? I could be lying on a…hillock. Or a wildebeest. Hahahahaha….

Yes, I should stop the mental laughter now.

So anyhoo, I heard someone talking. Pretending to be asleep (something I've never been very good at, but I thought it was worth a shot) I heard a very interesting conversation:

"I must beg to differ, Elladan. I believe she is quite pretty."

Fab. Just effing awesome. I was practically being hit on in my sleep! By the way, the name Elladan sounded suspiciously familiar…

"That was not my point, brother." Said voice No. 2. "Regardless of how _pretty_ you find her, I am not certain if beauty is enough to keep a stranger from a separate world housed in Imladris. She could be a spy of the Enemy!"

Um, pardon my French, but what the fuck is going on here?

My charming musings were interrupted again by voice No. 1. "Spy? I believe you are mistaken. Has not father spoken to you since our return from the North?"

Voice No. 2 replied, but seemed hesitant. "No, I have not seen him as of yet. Why? Has he said something about her?"

Okay, this was way too weird. I forced myself to sit up, gasping slightly as my ribs and shoulder protested. I opened my eyes.

I was in a bed. In a beautiful room. There was a fountain outside my window, covered in snow. The room itself was sort of smallish, with cream colored walls and high arching windows, and silver candle brackets on the walls. Oh yes, it was very nice. But not nearly as nice as the two identical hot guys sitting (actually, only one of them was sitting, the other was standing near the window) by my bed.

I blinked, to make sure this was not a dream. Then I noticed something…they had unusually long, dark hair, were wearing matching robe-ish type clothes and had _pointy_ ears. Oh man, something is wrong here…

"My lady, it is good to see you awake at last," the one sitting by my bed said, standing and bowing to me.

My mouth was hanging open. I can't even imagine how stupid I looked. I just stared at him, then back at his twin (because, of course, they had to be twins,) and squeaked slightly. My voice seemed to have deserted me.

Pointy eared dude by bed looked at me weirdly.

"My lady?"

"………"

He smiled a bit and laughed nervously. "My lady, are you alright?"

"Holy shit."

"I beg your pardon?"

Pointy eared dude by window frowned. "Can you not see that she is speechless, Elrohir?"

"Oh man. Oh man. This is not good. I mean it is good, but I…" my voice trailed off. My head spun. I wanted to faint, scream, and do a victory dance all at the same time.

"Hit me, someone," I said to myself more than the twins. "Holy fricking shit. Say this is not a dream."

"It is not," said one of them. "And why would I want to hit you?"

I made an odd noise somewhere between a wheeze and snort to adequately express my feelings. It came out as "_Hhhnngggghh_."

"_Hhhnngggghh_. Erm, that was sort of a rhetorical question, but never the less…" I looked up, still not quite feeling right. I went on in a sort of flat, expressionless voice, trying to make it seem like what I was about to ask was about as normal as asking the time. "Would you two by any stretch of the imagination happen to be named Elladan and Elrohir, with a sister named Arwen Evenstar and a father called Elrond Halfelven and I am in Rivendell, Imladris, the Last Homely House in Arda, Middle Earth?"

I said that all very fast.

They exchanged two identical, weirded out looks. Finally one of them spoke. He seemed like the older and more responsible of the two, so I guessed it was Elladan. He stepped a little closer to my bed and seemed a little ill at ease.

"Well, I am Elladan," (HA! I went mentally) "and this is Elrohir my brother; we have been keeping watch for you to awake for some time now; yes, our sister is named Arwen, and our father is Lord Elrond," he said. He smiled slightly. I just then chose the opportune moment to notice he really had a gorgy smile and huge blue grey eyes. Gah. "And you are indeed in Imladris of Middle Earth."

I swallowed. "Oh. Isn't that…lovely," I managed to wheeze. My ribs didn't seem to like this excitement that was now coursing through my body. I put a hand against my side, wincing.

"Are you alright, my lady?" the other one (Elrohir) asked from over by the window.

"I will be. I just need some time to adjust and to vent my emotions." I smiled in an I-hope-they-don't-think-I'm-insane-but-probably-think-I-am way, and groped around behind me for a pillow. I grabbed the ends in both my hands and held it purposefully before me.

"Excuse me for a moment," I told the twins gravely. I buried my face in the pillow, and screamed.

For a good 20 seconds. Straight.

To their credit, neither of them stopped me. When I re-emerged, feeling very flushed, I simply sighed, put the pillow back, and looked up. They both seemed a little scared. I noticed Elladan had backed away from the bed.

"Sorry," I said, "but I needed to get that out." I looked around awkwardly, not quite panicking. "So. Middle Earth. You, er, don't happen to know how I got here, do you? You haven't asked me all the questions I'd expect, like my name and such."

I decided to take note of how fishy this situation was: A) Middle Earth is not supposed to exist, B) I'm not freaking out as much as I should be, C) the hot Elf twins aren't freaking out as much as they should be, D) why do my shoulder and ribs hurt so damn much, and E) how the frick did I get here? What is this? I doubt it's a dream, since I'm in some pain, and the pillow felt real enough, as do the sheets of this bed and my own hands. As I have established, MIDDLE EARTH IS NOT SUPPOSED TO EXIST. Something is majorly wrong here!

Elladan and Elrohir exchanged looks again. They must have some creepy twin type ESP thing going on for them. Elrohir spoke to me next. His face was grave.

"It is clear you…are unaware of the present situation," he said. "We can tell you very little, as there are others who know far more of it than we. I can only say that I know your name is Ellanora Rose Drake, you are not from Middle Earth, and you were found under very unusual circumstances."

"Really," I said a note of panic all too noticeable in my voice. "And whose authority, if you don't mind me asking, can be held responsible to explain all of this?"

"That would be mine," said a deep voice from the doorway. I turned so fast I cricked my neck. I saw a very good Hugo Weaving look alike there, dressed in rich colored robes, with dark plaited hair and a small smile on his lips.

"Well met, Ellanora Drake," said Lord Elrond. "Welcome to Rivendell. It is time we talked, you and I."

Something about his voice was eerily familiar. "Have I met you before?" I asked suspiciously, involuntarily rubbing my aching shoulder.

"Yes, and no," he replied, walking to my bedside. "You were barely conscious when I found you—"

My memory returned in a rush. The driving, the fog, the accident that ended in me wrapping my beloved Mustang around a tree in some obscure forest as I went to my new house. The strange metallic voice, and the darkness. The anger at something or someone that wasn't there. The tears. The pain. The wise-sounding person who had come and found me. The person who had caught me as I fell, who had told me not to fade…

"Oh my _gosh_," I whispered, looking up at him with wide eyes. "It was you." My head started spinning again. "What the hell _happened_?" I asked, feeling the first twinges of a headache starting to set in.

"A disturbance was heard on the edge of the woods around dawn two days ago," Lord Elrond said gravely. "A—explosion of sorts. The captain of the patrol group sent to investigate returned and said there was a smoking wreckage of a strange metal box crushed against a pine tree, but he and his guards dared not to go further. I decided it was in my best interest to personally consider the matter, and I am glad I did. I found you, as I knew I would, and you were gravely injured. You have three broken ribs, which are healing very well, though I was able only last night to set your shoulder. You are very fortunate, that you are alive, Ellanora."

I bit my lip, taking all of this in. "But…you said you knew you would find me," I said. "That's not possible." I looked up, very uncertain.

Lord Elrond smiled again. "You will find all things are possible. You see, you have been expected for some time. I do not question The One when his Valar send dreams only they can make achievable.

"The same dream came to me three times, and several times also to Elrohir and Lord Glorfindel, the captain of the patrol group I mentioned. It was a vision of you, and your strange metal box, in the snow, with a voice saying,

_This is she _

_Ellanora Rose Drake_

_She will come_

_Because she needs a place_

_Where she belongs._

_Take care of her, good Eldar_

_Her soul is too much for one world alone_

_Her ways are not of Middle Earth,_

_But her heart will guide her home."_

He looked at me with a very piercing gaze. For the first time, and most definitely not the last, I wondered if Lord Elrond of Rivendell could read minds.

"Do not be afraid, Ellanora. The One believes you should be here, and so do I."

"That's all very nice," I said, breaking the awestruck silence that had hung, "but that's it? I'm here because I need a new home? And what's the whole 'her soul is too much for one world' montage? I thought I had a home in my other world, as I assume you know about that?" Against my will, I suppressed a giggle. I sounded like E.T.

"I know enough to understand that your world is seemingly parallel to this one, as is supposed by the visions and speech," Elrond replied. Elladan and Elrohir, who had been mysteriously silent, nodded in consent.

"Good, because, well, I don't feel like explaining, and quite frankly, I don't think I need to," I said, suddenly feeling very tired. I decided to work out how to deal with this at a later time (assuming that this was not a dream and that I didn't wake up somewhere in a coma) and by myself. "I guess that leads me to the next only logical question I can think of: where am I going to live?"

"Here, in Rivendell," Lord Elrond said at once. "I have been told to take care of you, and I do not intend to fail and suffer the Valar's…displeasure." I could have sworn he intended that to be slightly humorous.

"Excellent," I said, elated. "I know this might sound weird, but what'd the date, Shire reckoning and regular?"

"January 12 of the year 1419, and (some weird Elvish thing I couldn't pronounce) 3018 of the Third Age," supplied Elladan.

January 3018. The beginning of the same year as the Fellowship of the Ring.

Kiss me kill me shoot me strangle me. My ears started to roar.

"I need to go to sleep," I announced. "All of this (here I did a huge fake yawn) has tired me immensely. So I thank you for everything, Lord Elrond, and say good night."

"I wish you pleasant dreams, Ellanora Drake," Lord Elrond said as he patted my uninjured shoulder. "I shall speak to you more, tomorrow, or whenever you are better rested." He inclined his head graciously and left.

"I do hope we shall get to know you, Ellanora," said Elrohir, grinning his lovely smile.

"After all, it is not every day a stranger from a distant land falls into your home," said Elladan.

"Very true," I said. "But if you want to get to know me, you can start by calling me Ellie. Ellanora makes me sound like an old maid."

They laughed. "Very well, Ellie," said Elrohir. "Until we meet again, farewell." They walked out. Before Elladan closed the door, I couldn't help but put in,

"I'm flattered that one of you thinks I'm pretty, but you should also know I'm not a spy of Mordor."

Looking mortified, and red as a beet, Elladan snapped the door shut. I could hear Elrohir laughing at him in the hall.

"So this is Middle Earth," I said aloud. "Nice place. I could get comfy here…" I smirked as I rolled carefully onto my pillow, thinking that there was nothing better than a few well placed dreams from the Valar to smooth the whole affair of me getting unceremoniously thrown in here. Within moments, I was asleep.

- - - - -

I dreamed of my friends from S.P.A.M in my beloved other world.

"Look where you've landed yourself now," Alex said. He sounded vaguely impressed.

"You can actually stop the Mary Sues firsthand!" said Bella.

"No, she can't, she's one herself!" laughed Clark.

"Am not!" I protested, to no avail.

"You're going to turn Middle Earth on its head," said Emilie.

Suddenly they were all dressed as acrobats, some riding elephants, others swinging from trapezes and me wearing a top hat and tails, unwillingly conducting them as circus music rolled in the background.

_Give 'em the old three ring circus_

_Stun and stagger 'em!_

_When you're in trouble go into your dance—_

Suddenly I was doing a sort of strange kick dance, waving my hat and flashing a red sequined bow tie and tuxedo.

_Though you are stiffer than a girder_

_They'll let you get away—_

"_With murder_," my friends whispered.

_Razzle Dazzle 'em_

_And you've got a romance!_

"We told you so!" they all chorused when the music was done, and I was smiling triumphantly, unaware that I was doing so, my arms spread wide to applause and cheers.

"Don't say that," I said, though I wasn't really sure if I said it.

I didn't remember anything else.


End file.
